Alright, y'all. Time for a little heart to heart. I'm gonna try to keep all my snarky little comments and sayings in here as much as possible so that way this TED talk is just a little bit more entertaining. You're welcome. So grab a cup of tea or some coffee, maybe a snack or two. Possibly a bagel. Whatever floats your boat whenever you read a blog post.

Anyhoo, let's get this started, shall way? So. I think it's safe to say that this year didn't go as planned for . . . well . . . anyone. This year we all had goals like traveling, working, getting that promotion, adopting that dog, finally booking that flight, seeing that movie we looked forward to all year. And then the world went up in flames. Nothing was as it once was. It was like one day the world was normal and then we all woke up one day and everything changed. All of a sudden we were all locked up in our homes, losing touch with reality, discovering what it meant finally. 

Some people thrived, they finally put up that painting, finally picked up that hobby they kept saying they were going to get to, painted that canvas, decorated that empty wall, organized every single closet and cabinet in the house. We all did those things. But as the world starts changing again, as we all move into a brand new reality, it hasn't been easy for everyone. In fact, some people are struggling more than others and that's perfectly okay. When things change as fast and as crazy as they have been, it's only normal to feel a little overwhelmed, to break down sometimes because to put it quite frankly, it's just too much sometimes.

So, I thought I would do an honest catch-up with everyone. I hope this inspires some of you out there, whoever you are, and that it lets you know you're anything but alone in how you're feeling right now. Cheesy, I know. But it's true. So I'll start. Monday was my 22nd birthday (*cue confetti*) and let me just say that where I was last year on my 21st birthday was SO DIFFERENT than where I am now. Last year, I had a really rough December. It continued on into January, February, March, and so on. Yes, I had my good moments, even great ones, where I was genuinely so happy. So happy that I didn't think it could get better than that. But I was struggling a lot. I won't too deep into it right now but I was heartbroken. I've never felt a pain like that before, and I've had my heart broken quite a few times in the past.

I was hopeful things would get better, and in some ways it did. It got easier. I know everyone always says it will get better, you'll stop crying one day. It won't hurt as much. One day, it will stop hurting. You'll forget you even cried. But my God what no one ever tells you is that it's going to hurt like HELL. Some days it'll feel like a numb pain, some days you'll be able to ignore it, other days you'll forget you were even hurting. But some days, you'll wonder if you even remember what it's like to be happy, wonder if you'll ever stop crying or feeling the pain. It sucked. I had ups and downs and I needed to be alone for a little while. I distanced myself from friends, completely gave up on dating, threw in the towel on a lot of other things. I had a strange way of coping. I filled my life with distractions.

I distracted myself with work, putting in a lot more hours, saving money, traveled, went to Puerto Rico, bought a car, changed my hair, did some shopping, moved out. I filled up my days with distractions so that I wouldn't feel or think. I just kept going. When really what I needed to do? Was cry. I needed to feel the pain. I needed to face it. The more I distracted myself from it, the more damage it was doing without me even noticing it at work. I kept myself going, yes. But not in a healthy way. Not in the way my mind and heart needed. It was only once I stopped, faced the facts, walked away from things, people, and whatever else was nothing more than a distraction and realized I wasn't okay. And that was perfectly okay. 

Over the past couple of months, it's been a struggle to get back to normal again. I took a break from this blog in order to get my life back together, to take back some control. Everything was so unsure and I was scared of what the future had for me. I couldn't escape it. I couldn't just close my eyes or run to my parents or hide under a blanket. I had to face it. I had to take a step back and realize I was only hurting myself by trying to fix everything around me, fix everyone else's problems, make sure everyone else was okay. I forgot about myself. And it did a number on me. And when you struggle with mental health, that's probably the worst thing you can do. Forget about what YOU need, what YOUR BODY needs, what you need to do for YOURSELF to make sure you're okay. 

It's okay to take a break sometimes. There are times where your brain is just so full of what's going on outside the comfort of your own home and you just need to take a step back, soak it all up, breathe, take a deep breath and realize that as crazy as life gets, life really is good. It's at your fingertips, it never left. It's just gonna take a couple more steps to get there is all. So, that's what I did, that's why this blog was quiet for so long. I needed to breathe for a little bit. Am I okay? Not completely. A little bit better, yes. This year on my birthday, I'm not sad, I'm not heartbroken, I'm not numb. This year, I'm not hurting myself, I'm not letting myself suffer because of heartbreak and sadness. I don't have tears ready to burst out of my at any given second. This year, I've grown up a little bit, I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I'm telling myself I need to go back to Puerto Rico and Paris, this year I'm trying to decide what I should get myself for my birthday (even though I've been buying "gifts" for myself for the past month). I'm in such a different place this year than I was the year before. It's crazy to think how much life changes, all around you and also for you. 

So, I'm not going to promise that I'm back for good, I might have to take another break in the future. Hopefully for a happier reason. But this next year, I want to be able to do the same thing I did this year: reflect. I want to look back at the end of 2021 and say to myself "Wow, I achieved all this! Look where I am now!" I want to be just as amazed and as proud of myself as I am now, maybe more once my 23rd birthday rolls around. I'm excited for the future, as scary and unsure as it is, life keeps going. We keep growing. No matter what happens in the world, life keeps living. It keeps changing every single day. And I'm not about to miss out on a single moment of it.